My Mom

My mom died 13 years ago today. It seems like it has been much, much longer. For those of you who say 'life is for the living', or tell me I shouldn't mourn today - I don't want to hear it. I have missed so much already. I have missed being able to tell my mom she would be a grandma, I have missed having her help me with my babies, I have missed Thanksgivings and Christmases, I have missed watching my children bond with my mom, I have missed asking her what to do with skinned knees and fevers, I have missed talking to her about my worries as we face the trials that come with unemployment, I have missed asking her advise on how to raise my children, I have missed her at my children's baptisms and I will miss her at their weddings. I have missed enough! Let me have this day! If I want to be sad, let me be sad. If I want to talk about her, let me talk about her. Don't tell me how to feel and what to think. This day is mine and I will claim it.

Me and my mom

Okay, now that I got that off my chest. Today was a pretty good day. Mike made bread and I made s'mores. My mom use to make homemade bread all the time. I remember being jealous of the kids at school that had store bought bread. Silly me. My mom made s'mores every time we went to Lagoon, Bear Lake or the cabin. Many wonderful memories with that. Can you believe that this is the first time I have made s'mores since I have been married?

Stockton & the s'mores

We did family home evening tonight. I talked about my mom and why these dishes were important to me. Then I read the kids a letter my mom wrote me. She wrote this letter right before her bone marrow transplant ~ January 1995. About 16 months before she died.

Dear Stephanie,

I thought I'd write to each of my children. I'm just writing thoughts as they come and not really pondering so I hope this letter will express my true feelings.

I am so proud of you. I wish I would have been more like you when I was a teenager. You know so much more about the scriptures than I do. I really admire how you're so faithful about writing in your journal. You have done so well in school and are doing such a good job student teaching. You have a lot of your Dad's personality. And that's good.

I hope things work out for you and Mike. You two are a lot alike and he has a really neat family. They are so good to you. I hope you'll treat Mike better than I've treated your Dad. Try to not let unimportant things tear at your relationship. Most irritations aren't worth mentioning. If you explode about them, then it takes a long time to get back to normal. If you just think, "This doesn't matter" and forget it, then things never get out of control. I don't mean you shouldn't let your husband know what you're thinking. You need to tell him how you feel without attacking him. (I'm really full of good advice.)

I know you'll make a great wife and mom. I also know if things don't work out for you and Mike that you'll be able to handle it. When you get married in the temple, I'm going to do everything in my power to be there - so look for me. Hopefully I'll be there and be able to help you.

You are such an inspiration to me and I love having someone around who speaks something besides sports. I wish I weren't so preoccupied with my health problems. I want so much to be a better mom to you.

Please help your father and take good care of your brothers. Always be kind to them and give them lots of hugs and tell them that some of the hugs are from me.

Thank you for listening to me. I know I was unfair to tell you so many of my fears and that I probably upset you more than I should have. But you gave me comfort and I found strength from your strength.

Always stay close to your Heavenly Father so he can help you through hard times.

I cannot express the tender feelings of love I have for you. Please forgive my faults and only remember that I love you will all my heart.

Don't be sad for me because I will be OK and I will do all in my power to remain an influence in your life.

All my love,

Mom

***I just have to note that I don't know what my mom is talking about when she says she wished she would have treated my dad better. I don't remember my parents ever fighting. I do remember a few weeks before she died, my mom told me she wished she would have treated my dad like Aunt Renee treats Uncle John. I think she wishes she were more vocal about how much she loved him. But he knew. We all knew.***

Now I am tired and ready for bed. Matt called about an hour ago. He just had the laser eye surgery today and he is loving it!

I also must apologize to my brothers for not giving them hugs and telling them they were from mom. Sorry about that. Now you know.

The end.