Saying Goodbye to My First Baby

Today was a long day.  It was sad.  It was happy.  It was full of conflicting emotions.  Maysen watered her new tree one last time.  Sure hoping we don't kill that one!

Maysen

Mike gave Maysen a Father's blessing, then the kids said goodbye to her.  It was so hard to watch.  Preston had a hard time holding it together.  Tears would start to come and he would leave the room really fast.  His face looked haunted, although only when he thought no one was looking.  When we were at Lagoon Preston was talking about how he didn't want Maysen to leave.  Maysen said, "Don't worry, I'll come back every six weeks." (For her laser hair treatment.)  Preston said, "Every six weeks!  I thought it was every ONE week!"  He has not been happy about this new development.

Stockton

Jorja, Maysen, Mike

Preston

 Maysen & Stockton

 Maysen & Preston

Preston kept hugging her.  I'll put another picture with him because it looks like I didn't take a picture of Maysen with Jorja.

Maysen sat up front with Mike.  She played "On My Way" from Brother Bear while we were driving away.  I couldn't really hear it, so I looked up the lyrics.  It says:

Tell everybody I'm on my way

New friends and new places to see

With blue skies ahead

Yes, I'm on my way

And there's nowhere else

That I'd rather be

Tell everybody I'm on my way

And I'm loving every step I take

With the sun beating down

Yes, I'm on my way

And I can't keep this smile off my face

You get the idea.  She is pretty excited about this new adventure.  She has an amazing place to live.  I think she will love it.  Here is a picture of the outside of her apartment building.

Maysen's room is on the top floor.  That is going to be great!  Except for move in days.  It was easier to get to the stairs than the elevator, so we carried everything up to the fourth floor.  It was nice exercise I guess.

Maysen finding her room

We helped Maysen get everything set up.  I'm glad Mike was able to get her computer all situated.  It will be nice to not have her struggle with that.  We really wanted to get her a laptop to send her off with on this new adventure, but the funds were not quite there.  I think this will work out well.  She is great friends with this computer.  It is very familiar to her.  I think she prefers this to a laptop.  Especially since we were planning on getting her a Mac.  Anyways, look how great her room is.  She has a full bed, a desk, nightstand and a few drawers.

Maysen and her new room

This is the view from Maysen's window.  You can't see it well in this picture, but she has a perfect view of the Logan Temple.  It will be especially beautiful at night!

Maysen's roommate is named Demetria.  She seems really nice.  She is from Arizona.  She did her generals at a community college there, so she is not a true freshman like Maysen.  That will be great for Maysen. She has always fit in better with people older than she is.  I wanted to walk around campus with Mike and Maysen.  I wasn't sure if Demetria would still be here when we got back, so I got a quick picture before we left.  Demetria's mom and sister are here and are staying until tomorrow.

Demetria & Maysen

We walked and walked and walked today.  We walked up to campus, which is a bit farther away then we thought.  There is a shuttle that will take Maysen up there that runs Monday through Friday.  I'm glad we walked instead of used the car.  Now Maysen will be aware of how much time she needs to get to class each day.  We walked up to the TSC first and had lunch at the Aggie Market.  I think that is what it is called. I was a little worried that it wouldn't be open.  It was closed during the summer.  We were really hungry by this point, but I wanted Mike to see what food options Maysen would have.  Luckily it opened today!  It was delicious.  Mike told me he feels better knowing Maysen won't starve. We got her a block meal plan.  She doesn't need to use it, but it will be there for her.  It's nice because Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays she is on campus all day.  This way she will be able to have her largest meal at lunch.  When she goes home after this long day she can just fix herself something small.  Maysen told me that she would try new things and eat vegetables every time she came.

Once we finished eating we walked and walked and walked around campus.  Most of the buildings were locked, but we were able to go into the education building where she will have a psychology class and a horticulture class.  They are back to back in the same room.  That's some great accidental planning!  After walking until our feet were super sore we made it back to the car.  We went to Lowes and looked for a lamp.  I wanted Maysen to get a lamp with a USB port in it.  They didn't have anything like that, so Mike ordered one from Amazon.  Maysen should get a package on Monday.  We went grocery shopping and stocked Maysen up.  There is a store that is just under a mile away.  It could be done, but not fun carrying milk and shopping bags that far. There is a bus stop out front.  That wouldn't be terrible, but we were thrilled when we found out that they deliver!  It will be a $5 charge, but that will be worth it!  Unless she is just buying one banana.  That would be a bad idea.  Anyway, we feel a lot better about things.  Mike was really worried about her being up here without a car.  I did not want her to have one.  She's going to be just fine.  I'm glad Mike was able to be here with us so he could feel that way too.  

Maysen has a great set up.  She has her own bedroom, her own (huge!) bathroom, her own closet.  She shares a kitchen and living area with Demetria.  She is quite spoiled.  Nice that she worked so hard so she could have this.  Mike and I payed $50 for this semester, including housing.  Maysen paid for everything else with scholarships.  She is amazing!  Here are some pictures I took before we left.

 Maysen & Mike

 Maysen

 Maysen and Stephanie

I realized that I didn't get any pictures of Maysen's kitchen, living area. I asked her to text me some. The next three pictures are ones Maysen sent me.  The first picture has a door open.  That door leads to Maysen's room.  It's cool.  You go through that door and to the left is Maysen's bedroom.  Straight across is her closet and to the right is her bathroom.  She also has a lock on the door.  Fancy.

Living area

 Kitchen

You can see Demetria's door from here.  Pretty nice setup for two people.

I asked Mike to show Maysen how to work the tv before we left.  She has more channels than we do now!  Monsters University was just starting.  Maysen was excited!  She said it was the perfect movie to start off her college career.  It was nice for us to leave her watching a movie. Crazy to just drive away when she has been such a huge part of our life for over 18 years.  So hard!

Mike & Maysen

 Maysen & Stephanie

A while ago my aunt Renee posted something written by Beverly Beckham.  I have no idea who she is, but she understands my heart.  I am obviously not a fantastic writer.  I wish I had that talent.  I will just have to borrow the words of others.  This is what I'm feeling, written by Beverly Beckham.

It's not a death.  And it's not a tragedy.  But it's not nothing, either....

I feel like this little boy walked out the door today, not the fine young man we've raised.  Today is hard.  Very hard.

I wasn't wrong about their leaving.  My husband kept telling me I was. That it wasn't the end of the world when first one child, then another, and then the last packed their bags and left for college.

But it was the end of something. 'Can you pick me up, Mom?' 'What's for dinner?' 'What do you think?'

I was the sun and they were the planets.  And there was life on those planets, whirling, non stop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.

And I got to beam down on them.  To watch.  To glow.

And then they were gone, one after the other.

'They'll be back,' my husband said.  And he was right.  They came back. But he was wrong, too, because they came back for intervals -- not for always, not planets anymore, making their predictable orbits, but unpredictable, like shooting stars.

Always is what you miss.  Always knowing where they are.  At school. At play practice.  At a ballgame.  At a friend's.  Always looking at the clock mid day and anticipating the door opening, the sign, the smile, the laugh, the shrug. 'How was school?' answered for years in too much detail. 'And then he said . . . and then I said to him . . .'  Then hardly answered at all.

Always, knowing his friends.

Her favorite show.

What he had for breakfast.

What she wore to school.

What he thinks.

How she feels.

My friend Beth's twin girls left for Roger Wiliams yesterday.  They are her fourth and fifth children.  She's been down this road three times before.  You'd think it would get easier.

'I don't know what I'm going to do without them,' she has said every day for months.

And I have said nothing, because, really, what is there to say?

A chapter ends.  Another chapter begins.  One door closes and another door opens.  The best thing a parent can give their child is wings.  I read all these things when my children left home and thought then what I think now: What do these words even mean?

Eighteen years isn't a chapter in anyone's life.  It's a whole book, and that book is ending and what comes next is connected to, but different from, everything that has gone before.

Before was an infant, a toddler, a child, a teenager.  Before was feeding and changing and teaching and comforting and guiding and disciplining, everything hands-on.  Now?

Now the kids are young adults and on their own and the parents are on the periphery, and it's not just a chapter change.  It's a sea change.

As for a door closing?  Would that you could close a door and forget for even a minute your children and your love for them and your fear for them, too.  And would that they occupied just a single room in your head.  But they're in every room in your head and in your heart.

As for the wings analogy?  It's sweet.  But children are not birds. Parents don't let them go and build another nest and have all new offspring next year.

Saying goodbye to your children and their childhood is much harder than all the pithy sayings make it seem.  Because that's what going to college is.  It's goodbye.  It's not a death.  And it's not a tragedy.

But it's not nothing, either.

To grow a child, a body changes.  It needs more sleep.  It rejects food it used to like.  It expands and adapts.

To let go of a child, a body changes, too.  It sighs and it cries and it feels weightless and heavy at the same time.

The drive home alone without them is the worst.  And the first few days.  But then it gets better.  The kids call, come home, bring their friends, fill the house with their energy again.

Life does go on.

'Can you give me a ride to the mall?' 'Mom, make him stop!'  I don't miss this part of parenting, playing chauffeur and referee.  But I miss them, still, all these years later, the children they were, at the dinner table, beside me on the couch, talking on the phone, sleeping in their rooms, safe, home, mine....