Betrayed

I was really sad today. Just super, super sad. I did finish Amy's stocking though. After I finished I just laid in bed. I had no desire to get up. I just felt like a complete failure. It feels like what I spent my life doing the last 21 years was a big bust. I know my other kids don't feel like Jorja does, still I just felt like I failed. The frustrating thing is we have rarely had any kind of fighting in our house. Ever. Mike and I don't fight with each other. The kids don't fight with each other. Contention just hasn't been a part of our life. Until now. I don't know how to handle it. I feel so lost. I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking over the last few days. I couldn't figure out how Jorja and her friends could spend so long at Sonic. What is there to do? Today I realized that she must have met Mitch there. I just knew it. I didn't talk to Jorja at all today until I went downstairs and told her it was time to get her passport and we needed to leave now. We drove to City Hall in complete silence. I paid over $200 for her passport and we walked to the car. I was so mad on the way home. I just couldn't handle it. I finally asked her if Mitch was at Sonic with her. She said, "Only for a second." I told her she was lying. No way he was only there for a second. Then she said it was five minutes. I asked her how he even knew she was at Sonic. Did she text him and ask him to come. Nope. They stopped by Chick-Fil-A after work to see him and hung out with him there too. I was furious. Absolutely furious. I yelled at Jorja. A lot. I am so frustrated. I have no idea what to do. Everything I have tried doesn't work. I guess I will try yelling now. I am so incredibly sick of this. I'm sick of her lying to me. I'm sick of her disobeying me. I'm sick of her disrespecting me. How did we get here? Jorja and I used to be so close. Incredibly close. Now I've lost her. I feel broken.

Well, that wasn't the worst part of today. Jorja had work from 4-10:30. She was closing, which means she could be back really late. Turns out she got home a little before midnight. While she was at work I was thinking, praying and crying. All of a sudden it dawned on me that she took Mitchell to the canyons with her. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew it was true. Mike came home and I told her about my day. I told her how I lost my temper and yelled at Jorja. I told him that she met Mitch on Monday. I told him that I bet the girls brought Mitch with them in the canyons yesterday. Mike said there was no way she would do that. No way. I wanted to believe him. I didn't think she would do that, yet I knew she did. I know Jorja thinks I have hated Mitch from the beginning, but she doesn't understand that I feel like I have been prompted with warnings from the beginning. I didn't believe Jorja would disobey us this badly, yet I felt Heavenly Father was telling me she did. It's hard to explain. Anyway, Mike and I were in bed when Jorja came home. We asked her to come in and talk to us. I asked her if Mitch went with her up to the Canyons yesterday. She said no. I put my hand on her chin and made her look me in the eyes and I asked her again. Tears came to her eyes and she whispered yes. I heard Mike gasp and I fell a little backward. Even though I knew this had happened, I still had a hard time processing this. How did Jorja justify this? Both Mike and I were clear that she was not allowed to take him with her. We ended up talking until 2:00 in the morning. Luckily Mike was there because he kept things calm. He is really good at that. We had a good conversation, but this just stinks. Mike took away her car and her phone. She isn't going to be allowed to see Mitch for a long time, as well as hanging out with Hailey or Emily. Hailey and Emily both knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jorja was not supposed to bring Mitch to the canyons. I can not believe that all three of the girls thought this was a good idea. I am furious with all three of them. I have no idea what to do and I have no idea how to parent Jorja. Everything I try blows up in my face. I know Jorja and Mitch see themselves as a Romeo and Juliet couple because I have been against this from the beginning. I have been against this because Jorja has lied to me about everything to do with Mitch. Everything. One of the things that bothers me about Mitch is he knows I don't like him. Knowing that, I still allowed him to take my daughter out on a date. Instead of doing everything he could to prove to me I could trust him with my daughter he drove her to a make-out spot and convinced her to get in the back seat of his car with him. Why would I ever let him take her out again? I know teenagers do these things, but I don't care. They don't see that they are playing with fire. I know Jorja is a great kid. She is absolutely amazing. I love her so much it hurts. But she makes terrible choices. One of her arguments is, "Everyone does it!" Like that is supposed to make everything okay? I know she tells people how crazy I am. I know her friends think I'm overprotective and feel bad for Jorja for having me as a mom; but I feel like I'm fighting for her life. I am glad that Mike was there for this conversation. He is amazing at calming situations down. Everything felt peaceful when we finally went to bed. Still, how are we going to make it through the next two and a half years?

Ridiculous

Sometimes I get behind on my blog because life is crazy busy. Sometimes I get behind because we are on vacation and I can't get to a computer. Sometimes I get behind because the amount of pictures I have taken overwhelms me. This time I am behind because of a different reason. This time I was so mad I was worried I would write something I would regret. It is now a week later and I think I have calmed down sufficiently to write this post.

I agreed to let Jorja go to the last regular season football game. She had to work until 6:45 and the game started at 7:00. Conner picked her up from work and took her to the game. They were there long after the game, until around 10:30 cleaning up. This wasn't unexpected. I had gotten up around 4:30 in the morning for my exercise class and was having a hard time staying awake waiting for her. Sometimes I lay down and fall asleep, waking up every ten to twenty minutes or so. It definitely isn't restful when she isn't home. I know I worry, but it's just who I am. I had fallen asleep and was woken by a phone call at 10:30. It was Jorja. She asked if it would be okay for her to go to Ellie's house. I think that was her name. Whoever it was I think she is in student government. It was her birthday. Jorja wanted to stop by and say hi with some other people, she wouldn't be long. Well, I wasn't thinking straight since I just woke up. I should have told her that she was grounded and couldn't go. Instead I said it was okay and to not stay out too long. Her dad was getting up at 4:00 in the morning to go work at the temple. She agreed. She did not follow through. Her phone had died so I had no way of getting ahold of her. She came back at 1:09 in the morning. 1:09! What the heck was she thinking! I was waiting on the porch for her when she arrived. I had been out there in bare feet with a blanket wrapped around me for 45 minutes. Praying, praying, praying that she was okay. It was awful. She claimed that she didn't know she had a curfew. WHAT????? Are you kidding????? Even if that was the case, which it definitely wasn't, use common sense! You are still grounded! You said you would be just a few minutes! How is 1:09 in the morning in any way acceptable???? I talked/argued/yelled with/at her until 2:00 in the morning. This girl is driving me crazy.

Fish in the Pond

I forgot to post this adorable picture Mike took of Preston yesterday. Those two sure had a great time together. It helps that they are almost the exact same person. I can't believe how similar their personalities are. I love it. The two of them got back around 3:30. They brought home five fish to put in our freezer and ten fish to put in our pond with the ducks. They were quite happy about that.

Preston

Today was a long day for me. First, I got up super early to go to my exercise class. I was up late waiting for Jorja, so I didn't get much sleep. We have Jorja leave her phone in our room at night. I looked at her phone and saw a message from a boy at school that said something like, "I don't know what to tell you, I'm really bad in these kinds of situations....." not sure if that was it, but it was around those lines. I thought that was weird and I wanted to ask Jorja about it. Jorja was getting ready when I got home. She had plans to go with Collin and his friends to Thanksgiving Point. I asked if I could see her phone. She said, "Just a second, I need to reply to Gabby real quick." She then handed me the phone. I wanted to ask Jorja what the message I saw was about, but when I was looking for it, it was gone. It dawned on me that Jorja deleted the message. That is a big no around here. One of the conditions of her having a phone is that she doesn't delete anything. I asked her where the message was. It took her awhile but she finally admitted to deleting it. I totally lost it. We had a LONG discussion about honesty last night, and first thing in the morning she lies to me again? I yelled at Jorja. I was so mad I couldn't even stand it. I also grounded her until her birthday, which is in a little over a month. It is so long because it is not a real grounding. She will still get to go to homecoming, work, lacrosse, student government stuff, the quinceanera she RVSPd to a month ago. So really, it's not much of a grounding. I also found out that Collin's friends cancelled at the last minute yesterday, so she hung out with just Collin for most of the day. She insists it wasn't a date. She honestly thinks it wasn't a date because she isn't 16. Like that is the only thing that makes it a date. "Jorja, do you think Heavenly Father is not okay with you watching a movie with a boy before you are sixteen but doesn't mind you kissing boys?" How is kissing not a date, but watching a movie is. How does she even think like that? She didn't kiss Collin, but still! Anyway, Jorja begged me to still let her go to Thanksgiving point with Collin and his friends. She didn't want to cancel on him like his friends cancelled on him yesterday. Yep, I'm the worst grounder ever. Well, Collin's friends cancelled on him again. Jorja got Hailey to come with them. Hailey is such a good sport. They drove to Thanksgiving Point and then realized how expensive it was to get inside. They decided to go to a movie instead. They saw Crazy Rich Asians. I was a little sad when she texted me that. I was hoping to hang out with Jorja this weekend. I thought we could go dress shopping and I thought it would be fun to see that movie with her. I ended up spending the three day weekend all alone with small bursts of disciplining Jorja in between. So, it was a pretty disappointing weekend for me.

Jorja & Hailey

 Collin & Jorja

Jorja texted me and asked if I could bring her Chick-Fil-A clothes to Hailey's house. She wasn't supposed to work today, but a girl was sick and asked if she could cover for her. I gathered everything and headed down there. Mike came home right as I was leaving. Once I got to Hailey's house I realized I left Jorja's badge on the counter. I didn't think I would have enough time to go back and get it, so Mike was nice enough to hurry and bring the badge down to me. Hailey's mom, Melanie, let me inside and I talked to her while I waited for Jorja. Jorja was texted right as she turned into Hailey's house that she wouldn't need to come in after all. Oh well. I ended up talking to Melanie for a long time. I was telling her why Jorja was grounded and how frustrated I was. Jorja said that she was keeping things from me because she didn't want me to think less of her when she makes mistakes. Melanie and I tried to convince Jorja and Hailey that if they were ever in a situation and thought, "I would be embarrassed to talk to my mom about this." Then they shouldn't do it. Hailey felt kind of awkward with the entire conversation. Melanie and Hailey convinced me to let Jorja go to a Haunted House with Hailey tonight. They convinced me that this would be more of a punishment for Jorja. Also, Jorja owes Hailey big time. Hailey is always going places with Jorja that she doesn't want to go. So, Jorja's first day of grounding ended up with her spending the day with Collin and Hailey and spending the night at a Haunted House with Hailey, Allison and a bunch of boys. Yep, this will be horrible for her.