Table

My nephew left on his mission today.  Connor will be heading to the Philippines.  I hope his mission is awesome and he looks back on this time of his life with joy.

I watched Anne for a few hours today.  I went to Matt and Sam's house. Matt was surprised to see me.  I didn't notice until a few hours later that Sam had texted me saying Matt would bring Anne to our house because their house was still a disaster.  I looked around at their 'disaster' house.  Whatever.  If they didn't know someone was coming and their house looks like this while they are painting and still moving in?  Wow.

Instead of going around to the side door to get to Matt & Sam's house, I went in through my dad's front door.  The second I walked in I noticed the table was missing.  I have many, many memories at this table.  It was the table I grew up with.  I remember countless family dinners. Saying prayers by kneeling at the chairs.  Laughing so hard and seeing tears running down my mom's cheeks because Matt was so, so funny. Watching my mom help my brothers with their homework.  Especially Matt who would sit at the table for hours before he was finished.  I love that table.  Now it is gone.  I asked my dad what happened to it.  They gave it to Brittany.  Just like that.  To say I was mad and hurt is an understatement.  We have so few memories of our mom.  To give something that once belonged to us to the new family.  Once again. That hurts.  Just when you think you won't get hurt anymore and you let your guard down, bam!

I hate cancer.  Sometimes I imagine what our life would be like if our mom was still alive.  My family would be so different.  I hate it when bad things happen and people say, "It's for the best."  That is not true. There is not one good thing that came out of my mom dying.  Not one. At least for my family.  Nothing good came out of John losing his mom at 13 and Matt losing his mom at 14.  I'm going to stop there because I'm making myself upset and I don't want to cry.  I wish my mom was alive.  I wish my kids were lucky enough to have a grandma.  I get jealous as I watch other families.  Especially my cousins' families, like the Fullers.  It's a weird jealousy, because I don't want them to experience what I have experienced, but as I watch their families I'm able to see what our future would have been like.  It would have been awesome.  It makes me acutely aware of what I have lost.  My mom was amazing and would have continued to be amazing.  I wish she could have loved my children as much as my grandma loved me.  Don't tell me that she loves them because I know that.  It is not the same thing. At all.  Losing a mom stinks and it never gets better.  The hurt isn't always as constant and you can have a wonderful life, but she is never a part of it.  It doesn't matter how many pictures you have or stories to tell, she is gone.  I know I'll see her again and I know I was extremely lucky to have such an amazing person raise me but sometimes I just want more.  I want her.  In this life.  I am selfish that way.