Please don't read this if you have any plans to judge me. I am worn out. These are my own personal thoughts and while you might not agree with them, there is no way you can understand my pain. Every journey is different. Just because you think you would have handled things differently doesn't mean you would have. I don't want to hear how horrible I am. I understand I have many faults, but this is my journal. I need to write down a little of what I am feeling for me. I don't think I have to worry about it though, I don't think many people read this blog. I'm pretty sure the people who have criticized me in the past don't read it. Just in case, I need to protect myself.
My dad called me this morning and asked if things were okay between us. I said, "Not even close." He asked what he could do. I told him he needed to come up here and talked to me. He brought Anne with him. It was time for her nap, so we laid her down in the guest room. She was great and slept for longer than anticipated. My dad and I were able to have a much needed conversation.
I wrote a few weeks ago about how hurt I was that my dad gave away our childhood table to Brittany. He told me that he would ask my brothers if they wanted the table. If any of them did, he would get it back for them. Well, nothing happened. My dad said he asked Brett. Which he did because I forced him to. He said he talked to Mike on the way home from Idaho. I'm not sure if he asked Matt, but I doubt it. I know he didn't ask John or Bubs. Anyway, on Saturday I called my dad to find out if he was planning on coming over for family dinner the next day. We always have dinner at my house on the first Sunday of the month. I had texted him, but he never noticed the message. My dad said they weren't coming over because they were going to Brittany's house to celebrate Trey's birthday. When he mentioned Brittany, it reminded me of the table. I asked if he asked my brothers about the table. He said that Cathy had asked each of them about the table and they had all turned it down. That made me furious, because I knew it wasn't true. I don't know why she would even say that because I wasn't mad at all at her about it. I was mad at my dad. I am tired of our family never being thought of. My dad is great, and we all love him, but he needs to learn how to be a mom. I was so upset when my dad confirmed that he never officially talked to my brothers. I felt like he didn't take my feelings seriously. I think his plan was to lay low and hope I forgot how hurt I was. It has worked before. Several times.
My dad wrote about the table on his blog. He asked everyone to share memories and asked if anyone would like the table. All of my brothers shared memories. They were great. Bubs and John both said they would like the table. Then, my dad added to the blog by posting a picture of the table now. Brittany had painted it. It doesn't even look like our table. I was so mad! I was mad that my dad didn't take me seriously when I first found out about the table. I was mad that my dad posted a picture of the table without warning me. What would it hurt to call me and say, "Stephanie, I'm sorry. Brittany has painted the table. I don't know if you will be upset with this or not, but I wanted to warn you because you seemed to have some deep sentimental attachment to it." Instead he posts the picture and declares the table is "better". My dad in his post talked about seeing Newel K. Whitney's desk and wanting to touch it because of the people that had once surrounded it. Then it dawned on him that the desk was like the table to us. Back when our family was happy. Back when we had a mom. When he wrote that I was so happy. I thought, "He finally gets it. This isn't just a table to us." When he put the picture of the painted table on his blog that hope was dashed. Would he think painting the Newel K. Whitney desk was improving it? I was more upset that my dad didn't consider my feelings than I was that Brittany painted the table.
My dad was mad at me when I wrote that I wish he would have warned me. He was mad at me about pretty much everything I wrote. I know he didn't mean this, but I felt some of his comments made me look like an evil daughter. Luckily he has a new daughter that can fix the mean things the evil daughter does. To say this has been a hard week would be an understatement. I know it was a hard week for my dad too. My brothers have been really good to me this week, especially Mike and Spencer. I feel that we have not been mean to my dad. Everyone of us has said over and over how much we love him. He just doesn't get our feelings or where we are coming from.
I was really happy my dad agreed to come up and talk to me. I know it wasn't an easy thing for either of us. We talked about many, many things that have happened over the last seventeen years. My dad was really upset that I wrote we had been traded for another family. During our conversation, there were probably five times I was able to pause and say, "See Dad? Do you see how we felt traded?" My dad admitted that he paid more attention to the Jex's because the squeaky wheel gets the oil. It doesn't mean that he didn't have five broken boys living at home. Just because they didn't have any outward problems doesn't mean they didn't need attention. I am still furious at Julie Lambert for saying on the day my dad got remarried, "I think this wedding will be good for the Millburns. It will teach them that they don't rule the world." How could she be serious? We had watched our mom die! I literally watched her take her last breath. How could anyone think that about us? How could these be my dad's friends? I asked my dad if he knew that John, as a 13 year old boy, would get himself to 9:00 church at the 5th ward? He said he did and he was so proud of him. You could see it in my dad's eyes as he remembered John doing that. I said, "Did you know that Bishop Nighbor told him he couldn't come anymore? Did you know that Bishop Nighbor told him he couldn't play sports with the 5th ward anymore? Did you know that he would get made fun of by other kids while he was there, telling him he didn't belong there anymore?" My dad was shocked. He had no idea. That is because he was too worried about the other family to worry about the pain his little boy was going through. Of course John wouldn't tell him. He didn't want to add on to my dad's worries. Too bad this wasn't one isolated incident.
Anyway, my dad and I talked for hours. The main thing I hope he remembers is this. I told him that he needs to treat us like the gospel. You can't just go to church on Christmas and Easter and have that be good enough. Alma 37:6 says, "By small and simple things are great things brought to pass." We need him more than Christmas and Easter. We need the small things done consistently. This is easier for the ones that live in Utah. My dad is so great. It is not as easy for the ones that live away. I remember all too well.
I think my dad is going to try harder. He said he already talked to Bubs, Brett and John. He is going to try to set up a schedule to FaceTime them. I hope when my dad does something he will think about us. That is what was so hurtful about the table. We weren't even thought of. Brittany said that my dad doesn't do anything out of selfishness or lack of thought. I would agree 100% on the selfishness part. My dad is not selfish. Not at all. All of us know that. He is completely amazing and loved so much. I would also disagree 100% with Brittany on the lack of thought. Every time he has hurt us it has been because of lack of thought. How horrible would it be if he thought of us and chose to ignore our feelings? I think the Jex's don't experience the lack of thought because as long as they have known my dad he has thought of them first.
Anyway, for any of my aunts, uncles or cousins reading this that want to tell me how horrible I am, I don't want to hear it. I have felt alone for years and I don't need to be reminded that you don't approve of my actions. My dad and I have worked through things and we will continue to work through things. I love him and he loves me. He wrote that Brittany asked him if he had tried his hardest. He said yes. She told him then it was enough. I disagree. It is not enough. My mom would not think it was enough. For years I have looked forward to the day my mom and dad meet again. I couldn't wait until she let him have it! Then maybe he would understand some of our pain. I wanted her to let him have it and then go right on loving him. Because he is as amazing as she is. I love them both. Completely. Now that he knows without a shadow of a doubt things his children have been feeling for years, he can improve. He will improve because he loves us. I have faith in him.
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