TMI

I had a doctor appointment today. I haven't had one for a couple of years. I really liked my doctor, but then our insurance changed and I had to find a new one. I went to the new doctor once and didn't like her at all. She made me feel guilty for taking my estrogen pills. Like now I was putting myself at a risk for cancer. So, I stopped taking them cold turkey. A couple of weeks ago I started wondering if a lot of my struggles had to do with not taking my pills. I have struggled with not feeling myself, feeling sad for awhile now. I just assumed it was because of things going on. For example, Maysen going to college. I went to college then my mom died. I want Maysen to be there, it just adds painful memories for me. My mom also reached her 20 year death milestone, now 21 years. I am getting closer and closer to the age my mom was when she died. If I were her I would be getting cancer in a little over two years from now and I would be dead in four. These dates have been bothering me. I know I shouldn't think about it, yet I still do. Have I done enough? Have I taught my children everything they need to know? Will they be okay without me? Will Mike marry someone that will be nice to them? Will my family fall apart? --Anyway, not the most pleasant thoughts. This is probably why it took me so long to realize part of my problem is not taking the estrogen pills I should be taking. I was anxious to talk to my doctor about it. (Our insurance switched again, and now I can go to the doctor I like.) Dr. Smith (great name) couldn't believe the other doctor told me to stop taking them. He said that my body now thinks I am 30 years older than I am, so I am really confusing it. He said, "Why are you making yourself miserable for no reason?" Then he told me to get back on the pills as soon as possible. That is good. I hope it helps.

I also asked him about my implants. ---Let us pause for a minute and take a moment to be thankful that my blog didn't exist when I was going through all my surgeries. I think it would be fascinating to look back on everything I went through. I don't think my brothers would think that. I'm sure we could all admit I would post things that would make my brothers feel awkward. Mostly photos. It used to drive Mike nuts. I would show my breasts to everyone. For example, we had a big black dude that lived across the street from us in Georgia named Winston. I saw him outside. Granted, I was still on heavy medication at the time. I ran over to talk to him. His wife works at the hospital where I was at for five days. While I was there I kept asking everyone if they knew Joan. I never found her and was upset I didn't tell her I was going to be there. Anyway, I ran across the street and yelled, "Winston! I was just at Northridge hospital for a week!" He said, "Really? That's wear Joan works." I said, "Yep, I was there. See?" Then I lifted up my shirt and showed him my implants. Hahahahaha! Mike about died. To me it was super interesting because they did not look normal. They were yellow, the color of tennis balls, because of all the bruising. I also had my nipples removed, so there was just stitching, so that for sure made them look like tennis balls. I wish I had pictures. (I'm sure everyone is thankful I don't.) This happened way before it was super common to have a camera with you everywhere you went.--- I had my hysterectomy and double mastectomy on October 30, 2007. Almost 10 years ago. I have been worried that something is wrong with my implants. They ache a lot. Well, one side does. The doctor said that there was no sign of cancer, so that is good. He wants me to go to a plastic surgeon to make sure everything is good. I'll have to figure out that one later. He also wants me to see an orthopedic doctor, or something like that, for my back. I'm sure I'll put that one off.

Okay, that was more information than anyone wanted to know. I stopped by my dad's house to pick up the CDs Sam got for me. My dad was outside with Jeff. We went inside and my dad kept falling asleep every two seconds. I thought, there is no way he is going to make it until 2:00. I ended up staying with my dad and running errands with him. My dad hurt his back and isn't supposed to lift anything more than 20 pounds, so I was able to take Jeff in and out of his car seat. While my dad was gathering up the things he needed for his errands, Jeff got in Phineas' cage.

Jeff

I made it home a few minutes before Stockton and Jorja did. Jorja was a bit sad when she came home. I asked her how her day was. She said, "Good, until the end." She says this often. That is what she said yesterday too. That girl! I told her she could go shopping with Hailey. My dad had given me a birthday card to bring to Jorja. I let her open that. It had some money inside. Along with a Chinese phrase my dad had done with google translate. Haha! My dad's the best!

The problem with letting Jorja go to the mall was I forgot the missionaries were coming over for dinner. Jorja loves the missionaries and they love her right back. We sent messages to each other through the Marco Polo app though. Not quite the same as being there. Jorja had a great time with Hailey. They are both looking forward to me leaving. I'm glad Hailey will be able to watch out for Jorja while I am gone.