We had home church again today, this time with Maysen. Mike and Preston passed the sacrament. Mike had me give a talk. I read the kids a text thread that my family is in. It made me laugh so hard, so I am going to put the extended version here, minus the gifs.
It started with Brett taking a picture of his slippers and saying....
Brett: In other news. Last month I made my best purchase ever using my last two birthday amazon cards from dad.... I wear them nonstop like a grandpa.
Mike: Dad sends you amazon gift cards for your birthday? Lucky
Brett: He does. In my email. $20 baby. You must make too much money.
Mike: Dad has his favorites... I'm ok with it
John: Dad's unofficial favorites rankings: me, Max, Brett, Matt, Spencer, Steph, Mike
Mike: I'm not sure you take the top spot though
John: That's why it's the unofficial rankings. I'll wait for dad to correct my list.
Mike: Got it...makes sense now
Steph: Haha - good luck Dad!
Brett: That's crappy Steph. Hopefully Dad can move you up in front of Spence on his favorites list.
Steph: I need to be moved up in front of John.
John: To the top? Good luck.
Steph: You doubt?
John: I'm more concerned with Max and Brett at the moment. Talk to me when you reach the top 3.
Mike: My unofficial rankings: Max, Dog #1, Brett, Dog #2, Steph, John, Matt, Spence, me
John: What is this, the Coaches poll?
Steph: Haha - the dogs
Mike: I'm kidding by the way... Dad did send me a gift card for my 40th... maybe that will help my seed in the unofficial rankings
John: I didn't consider the dogs. Hmm.
Brett: Dang. I was holding strong at the top. Now it's all in doubt.
Mike: At least you beat out Dog #2 in my rankings Brett.
Mike: Do we need to do a poll with the steps? Because that will throw all rankings out the window. Putting Brittany and Shannon in the mix might push me out of the rankings
John: I don't think I would know where to rank them all individually. Maybe by clumping them into groups. Brittany and Shannon in one group, Jex boys in another group and Ashley in her own group.
Matt: Dog #1, Dog #2, Max, me, Brittany, Chris, Ashley, Brett, John, Ian, Steph, Cameron, Spence, Shannon, Peter, Mike
Brett: Ouch. Mike after Peter is tough.
John: Shannon that low? You must have some insider info.
Brett: Shannon so low?
Mike: Peter provided the avenue for Max so I understand
Matt: No inside info. It's just she never visits.
Brett: I think with Matt's votes in I surpass John.
Matt: Criticism of my rankings for having Shannon too low are valid and persuasive but I am not allowed to change my rankings after they have been released and after listening to commentary.
Mike: New rankings: Max, Dog #1, Brittany, Brett, Dog #2, Cathy, Shannon, Chris, Steph, John, Ashley, Matt, Ian, Spencer, Cameron, Peter, Mike - I thought throwing Cathy in the rankings could make things more interesting. Also congrats to Bubs for pulling ahead of Cameron.
Matt: Chris gave Dad tickets to the last jazz game of the season. Definitely would help him in the rankings. Plus he gave Dad a car.
Mike: Hmm... that might move him up 2 spots in my poll... just ahead of Cathy
Matt: Mike, if you buy Dad a super nice car I think you could surpass Peter.
Mike: Maybe...
Then my dad chimes in here with a gift of someone blowing into a paper bag.
Dad: Hi just finished reading my scriptures, cooking a magnificent breakfast, and then sat down to see why my phone was pinging all the time. I need a little time to respond.
Mike: Can't wait for the official rankings!!
John: Rank me first. The rest doesn't matter.
Bubs: These rankings seem to have a strong East coast/side bias.
Brett: Brett's dad's rankings: Brett, Peter, Cameron, Spence, Ian, Matt, Steph, Chris, Shannon, Cathy, John, Dog 2, Max, Dog 1, Brittany, Mike
John: Purposely skewing the rankings.
Brett: I had to get some separation from the top dwellers. But had to keep Mike at the bottom to preserve the integrity of the rankings.
Mike: Dang... still dead last
Mike: Makes sense. Brittany after Dog #1 does show attempt to create separation at the top
Matt: I think Brett is ranking strategically. This is a scandal.
John: Huge scandal.
Brett: Prove it.
Bubs: My Dad power rankings: Beepers, Cathy, Brittany, Dogs, Ashley, Peter, Shannon, Ian, Cameron, John, Chris, Steph, Matt, Brett, Spence, Patrice, that one girl from the old movie that blew up a car so she and that arrogant kid could be saved when they were stranded, Mike
Mike: Haha... Beepers. Classic
Dad: The official rankings are about to come forth!! Wait for it... Wait for it... Drum roll...
Matt sends a Sponge Bob gif that he is scared and biting his fingers
John: If Mike is not last, that will be a major plot twist.
Dad: I love you ALL, just the way you are!! (With a Mr. Rogers gif)
Dad: Commentary to follow...
John: Aww, so sweet.
Mike: That is the nice text before his actual rankings come out...
Dad: Wait for it...
Mike: Before the blow... huge plot twist if Brett is out of the top 5
Dad: All right, buckle up... here are the hard, but truthful facts in this case: Fact #1: Dog 1 has a name... Scally (the dog of my childhood.) Dog #2 would be Sandy (the dog of my pre-teen and teen years.) Then comes Beepers (3), Kenny (4), Zoey (5) Jaksy (6), Phineas (7), erroneously called dog #1, and Milo (8) erroneously called dog #2). More FACTS to follow... "The truth will out"... quoting Shakespeare. John, tell us the play in which that was said, and the character who said it. Stay tuned... (like what else have you to do?)
John: The Merchant of Venice. That's why I'm number one.
Matt: My favorite part of Beepers is how it would try to bite me every day when I came home from school. Definitely earned that third spot in the dog rankings.
Matt: Or is that chronological?
Dad: John, are you sure it's in Merchant of Venice? And what character? I had another play, and another character in mind. John, your ranking depends upon your correct response, or you're backing up your first statement with proof.
John: Launcelot
Dad: Lancelot? That sounds like something from King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable
John then sends this screenshot
John: Proof from my personal Shakespeare book.
Dad: John's ranking goes up!! I just googled it. John is right. I was thinking of McBeth when Lady McBeth is about to be exposed.
John: Underlined the quote in question.
Dad: OK, let's not get distracted. As for another fact, Mike has received an Amazon gift certificate every year that we have been giving them out. He just remembers his 40th birthday one. Mike, Search back through all your emails and see if you can find them. You will become a rich man, indeed. Unless you get ripped off like Maysen. I am so sad that somebody ripped off Maysen. By the way, giving out those gift certificates in Amazon was Cathy's idea, not mine. I wanted to just send you a hilarious card with no money in it.
Brett: When buying my wonderful slipper shoes I wondered if I spent my 2018 Amazon card, and I hadn't.
Dad: Also, we have been discussing whether to give any money to the parents of our 33 grandchildren. We decided that we would just give money to the kids, not their parents, and their parents could just deal with it. Now that I see that you can get ripped off anyway, or just forget to spend it, and lose it in your emails, that solidifies our decision. Although John's ranking may have gone up because of his massive knowledge of Shakespeare; alas, he will be the first casualty. However, he can expect an email that will be appropriate, hilarious, and worth it's weight in gold.
Dad: Further facts: Chris' ranking needs to be questioned... yes, he did buy our tickets to the Jazz game, but may have given Matt and I the COVID-19 virus. He is presently in quarantine in San Francisco. He gave us his car, yes, Perhaps that was because I cosigned on his loan.
Mike: Nice... me claiming no amazon gift card resulted in the end of any of you getting one in the future. My ranking just went down... except I can't go down any further. Unless this is just a ploy for dad to eliminate those in the bottom rankings from amazon gift cards while continuing to send them to those in his top rankings
Bubs: Instead of Amazon gift cards, which I used to buy board games, Dad could pay for a month of my girls dance. That seems like a fair trade. The last game I bought was "You Got Crabs" which the kids love. Me... Not so much.
Brett: I will always have these shoes to remember they were the last gift from my father.
Dad: Here's a thought: Do any of you doubt that we are now living in the last days? I used to teach my seminary kids that the silence for half an hour in Revelation chapter 8:1, could be (emphasis on "could") be 20.8333 years, if you take two scriptures and interpret them literally, that 1 day to the Lord is like 1,000 years to us. (2 Peter 3:8, Abr. 3:4) The year 2000 was the opening of the seventh seal (if you go by the Gregorian calendar, which is the one most used today). question for you mathematicians (Stockton excluded): What day and what year will the seventh seal be opened if we take the half hour mentioned in Revelation 8:1 to be literal? Stay with me, guys... this all pertains to the ranking question discussed so vigorously in this text stream. I might point out that if you want to get a fright, just read what happens when the 1/2 hour expires: For a shortened and less confusing summary, read Bruce R. McConkie's chapter headings for the following chapters: 8,9,11,13,16,17,18. And, by the way, whoever solves my story problem could (emphasis on "could") be elevated to the number one position in my rankings.
John: October 31, 2020
John: So... am I right or what?
Dad: John is the winner, but... the game is far from over!! I now declare John, temporarily the number one contestant in my rankings.
John: I seriously nailed it on my first try. I impress even myself.
Dad: And you thought Halloween was scary when you were a kid.
John: I've pretty much locked up the top spot after nailing both the Shakespeare and Revelation questions. No one else is even close at this point.
Dad: Third question... whoever answers this might (emphasis on "might") catapult himself up to the number one ranking, despite John's magnificent previous successes. And remember, lest we forget, that this all has to do with the OFFICIAL rankings!!!... in other words, no * (Questions soon to follow, as soon as it is correctly composed.)
Brett: Haha. Dogs probably first for sure.
Dad: What is the origin of Halloween?
Steph: I just got 99 texts in the span of two minutes. Yes, I counted them. 99. Dad, you should get me a new phone for my birthday.
Then there is a lot of talking about the origin of Halloween. I'm going to skip it because this is already really long and that stuff is incredibly boring.
Dad: John is nailing all these questions in dramatic fashion!!! Now... I've got one more. This could be a game changer for each and everyone of you. Stay tuned, while I compose...
John: I believe everyone else is mathematically eliminated.
Bubs: And if Dad's next question is about the Gregorian calendar, it was officially adopted in the 1500's when the world went to bed on October 5th and woke up on October 16th.
Bubs: Boom
Bubs: Move me to 1st.
Bubs: Also, there will be no leap year in the year 2100, there was no leap year in 1900, but there was for the year 2000.
Bubs: Calendar questions are in my wheelhouse.
Dad: Boom!! Boom!! and Boom! Spencer is a freaking Daniel...
Bubs: Leap year happens 97 times every 400 years.
Dad: No more questions... My final and OFFICIAL rankings will be out shortly. Please stay tuned. Hint... read and absorb Elder Holland's talk titled "The Laborers in the Vineyard" I will announce my final, and I mean final, decision at 8:55 PM Mountain Daylight Time. That is all.
Dad: All right, kiddies... I'm ready to make the great announcement: Who is my favorite child? Who is number one on my favorites list? And, by inference, who will be the recipient of my vast estate... and who will receive unparalleled favors during the remainder of my days? There's a few who have been exceptional: John, for sure. Spencer, for sure. And that's about it. If we lived the law of primogenitor, Spencer would get a double portion of all my goods: one portion for his household, and another portion to help out family members who may be in distress. therefore, he seems to have the edge. However, the younger son seems to always get the birthright: Nephi, for example; Joseph, for another example; Jacob, for yet another example. The examples are far reaching. It is interesting that the two in the running are both the eldest and the youngest. Therefore knowing this I now make the following declaration until my demise:.. The winner is... Parentheses cough... Cough, cough... I am having trouble breathing... I'll get back to you, maybe, I'm out... Literally?
Matt: Oh boy. Dad was within 6 feet of me today.
Dad: Wait! I can breathe freely again! I think I'm going to make it! And after this near death experience, I am in a sound mind... For once. And so, I will make this final, and irreversible, declaration. But before I do, I want you all to promise me to read Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, cited above, before The Sabbath tomorrow is over. I will make my announcement when I am satisfied that you have all read it. I want no hard feelings. Capeesh?
Dad: ANNOUNCEMENT is to be made at high noon tomorrow Mountain Daylight Time. Until then...
Bubs: If John just gives me a bowl of porridge, it's his. He'll still have to take out an aging Dad with sheepskin or whatever though.
Brett: I listened to the Holland talk. Spoiler alert, we all get the same inheritance - BUT. IT. WILL. BE. HUGE!
Anyways, it went on for a lot longer, with my dad even doing three blog posts in one day. I think Mike ended up being on top, but I can't quite remember - haha Anyway, we then watched Holland's vineyard talk for church.
And on a completely unrelated note, I thought this was so funny. All of these NBA players have the coronavirus, not funny that they have the virus, but I did think the picture was funny.
Mike and I took Jorja to film some more things for her Taylor Swift video she is doing. It is so funny! We went to Alta and filmed some scenes on the bleachers and her with a desk. We went to Altabank for a picture to post because she goes to Alta and is running for Financial Chair. We went to Corner Canyon for one part of the Taylor Swift video. I can't wait to see it when it is finished!
Jorja
The picture below is the one she posted.
Her caption read: Hi I'm running 4 financial chair btw (get it cuz bank = money = finance = altabank) #comedian #ilovealta #blessed
Here is me looking all fancy helping Jorja with her video ~ gotta love my duck socks!
We filmed a short video with a chair when we got back. I hope she ends up posting that one too because it makes me laugh. I don't know why Jorja wanted a picture with a shovel. Haha
Jorja
We finished the day listening to a chapter of Saints and playing more of the puzzle game. We got to the first official break. Today was a good day.
No comments:
Post a Comment